Not too long ago, I found myself in a dispute with someone, conducted mainly via email. As my anger level rose, a lawyer was eventually brought in, a legal warning was sent, and then the electronic fur really started to fly.
After receiving one particular email, my hands and fingers shook with anger. I couldn’t even hit the keys on the computer keyboard when I tried to compose a response! I then understood that my anger was deeper and stronger than I had thought. To discharge some of this anger energy, I stood up and shook out my hands. Then, I took some deep breaths, and stomped my feet on the floor. Once grounded, with most of the anger energy discharged, I could then type the first draft.
But the memory of my shaky hands remained. The more I thought about it, the more I saw this as a marker of how far I’ve come in my lifelong journey of recovery. I had experienced anger at such a deep level, but with no desire to use food to ease the discomfort of such a strong emotion.
Anger is such a difficult feeling
Anger is often a very difficult feeling for many women to accept, tolerate and articulate. Men, on the other hand, have been culturally conditioned to view anger as one of their few allowable emotional responses.
Traditional stereotypical roles seem to have divvied up emotions in this way. Men can feel and express anger, but not sadness or vulnerability. Women are permitted to feel the latter two, but if they express any anger whatsoever, they are often referred to as witches or bitches, or some other similar denigration. That’s why many women, myself included, have tended to “get upset” instead of angry. To me, “upset” is a mish-mash of a range of emotions.
Despite cultural conditioning, many men and women struggle to respond appropriately to their angry feelings. Probably because anger energy can be so strong. In the past, men handled their anger mainly with physical fights to let off steam, but women women were in no position to do so. Nowadays, both men and women still find it tricky to navigate angry waters.
In my younger years, I pretended (to myself and others) that I didn’t feel angry. I also learned that eating made most feelings disappear from conscious awareness. This strategy backfired, and I ended up having no idea what I was feeling emotionally or physically. It also led to weight gain and ultimate obesity.
Out of touch with my feelings and emotions, I lived inside my head, and experienced myself mainly through my thoughts. Being so cut off from my main information system — feelings and emotions — made me feel unsafe.
All of this flashed through my mind shortly after I noticed my shaky hands on the computer keyboard. I realized how strong these anger energies are, and how quickly and silently they passed through my body, seeking release. I also understood I might not have realized their strength or intensity had it not been for my trembling fingers.
I recognized how far I had come in experiencing anger, and that I was able to handle this powerful energy.
How do you manage your angry feelings?
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